Don’t You Know I Care

Call it funny or sad, but this is turning out to be closer to a quarterly magazine that only consists of a note-from-the-editor than a devlog or journal. I guess I should not be frustrated and just let it evolve into whatever it ends up being. I have my “journal” in private anyway, though I can’t say I use that much more frequently. It is fall. As you might tell from a post that is only a few flicks of the thumb below this one, that makes it my fifth in New York. Instead of my usual post about frustrations or woe at being unproductive, I’m going to point out the ways that I feel like I am making progress. And let those glimmers light my way forward.

Before that, though, I do want to note that today, September 26th 2022 is significant in that it marks a particularly interesting moment in the periodic procession of the planets. Jupiter, which along with Saturn, I have taken as tokens and totems, is at it’s closest to the earth that it is capable of getting. This closeness makes its rings and brighter moons visible even with very rudimentary equipment. I would like to consider this post something of a prayer (or plea) to that closeness. A shout in the dark to old Jove! Let me see how to focus my intent, open my eyes and mind so that I may ride with the waves and rhythms of the universe

So to begin, I am happy with where I find myself living. I am still in New York, and still in Brooklyn. Getting a new apartment was, as it was last year, agonizing. I do not like moving. And part of me thinks frequently that everything would have been better if I had just stayed put, in the nightmare playground of Bushwick. But I think that is tied to a desire, one which I have wrestled with my whole life, to be completely and utterly alone. I have had bouts in my life where I got close to that ideal, but there were problems unaddressed in those periods that make sure I know deep down that that is not what I should be doing with my time and with my life.

We did eventually find a place. It is in a neighborhood called Greenpoint, a place I have spent time in before, and always left it with a feeling of well it sure is nice here, I should come more often. And it certainly has not disappointed yet. The apartment might be small, but Dylan, Matt, and I are enjoying it. We have two little critters running around, Ganon and Mable, and even the bad moments don’t feel quite so bad. I do find myself feeling frustrated with Matt and with myself in my craven inability to ask for better communication, but it doesn’t consume my thoughts and energy the way it did at the bed stay apartment. We live right across the street from a park, and I feel energized seeing all the families, dogs, and friendly folks just spending time enjoying the scenery there.

I am running two D&D games. When we moved here, I looked around for a nearby board game cafe, frustrated that we would no longer have the luxury of space for a 6 person table in the apartment. I found Last Place on Earth a relatively new cafe and board game shop only a few blocks away. I emailed the owner to ask what they had going on, and one thing led to another, and now I run several games there. A Wednesday night game for adults, and an after school game for preteens on Thursday. When I originally asked, I wasn’t even thinking about the possibility of being paid to do so, I just wanted a game to run. But I’m going to be making a reasonable amount, around 100 a week, which, while not making much of a dent against my regular salary, is a nice piece of pocket change, and satisfying to feel like my time spent prepping isn’t being thrown away for no return.

I’m not sure how long term I’ll stick with it. But it might be the first time I’m actually feeling consistently good about running games! The kids are a bit much but I really like the adults I’m playing with, they all seem to be into it! I am having a lot of fun trying to come up with stuff to throw at them, and how to try and build a story totally my own. I realized while designing a one shot, that even though the reason I like DnD is that freedom, I’ve never actually Taken it. At least not well. I was spurned a handful of times when I would try to build my own encounters and stories, and instead of inspecting why I recused myself to remade modules and encounters for years. Never thought about building custom challenges, worlds, characters… which is the whole reason I was interested in the first place! And now, it is so painfully obvious where my flaws were. I see the value in the growth I have done since I used to try running games. I spread myself to thin, and didn’t think about the moments, the pace, the feeling of my players. Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t and the way it shaped my brain came in handy once again. I see now, also after having grown accustomed to Abs, how important it is to have every aspect of a game be engaging, quick, and fun. How important it is, above all else, to let a session END, and end satisfyingly, either with a conclusion or a cliffhanger, and not just when people get bored or tired.

I have a really good idea for a book, or a collection of stories. It might be too wide of berth, like may of my ideas have been. But it has the potential to be something. I call it the Book of Patterns and it contains within it a lot of ideas that I’ve lately recalled from earlier spurts of inspiration, redefined through new terms. November is approaching again, and I hope I can make something of it during my regular writing time.

I am decently happy with my work. I think having the DnD gig has made me reconsider many of my career choices, almost wishing that it could sustain me on it’s own. Makes me wonder how much Whitney makes running the cafe, how much time it takes for her to do so, and if I could somehow convince her to hand it to me for some small sum. Would I be more capable of true happiness then? Not sure it would ease my mind, or be the investment I’d need. But strangely, feeling a slight detachment from work has also enlivened me to it. I find my tasks doable and my mobility options less bleak. Overall it seems less hopeless, feeling like it might not be the end of the line in the way it has previously.

There is much room to improve, things I feel I need to be content with my everyday life without feeling tortured—-but these things are a start. I look now to Jupiter, at it’s closest, and draw on its strength. show me the way