Control

#

I don’t want to keep starting these posts with a promise to do better or a reprimand of myself, but I can’t avoid detailing that I am disappointed. Sometimes I wonder when or if I am ever going to get out of this mode of being stuck in Beginnings. Haven’t committed new code to the game in over a month. Even though I know how I want one game mode to go. I just can’t seem to focus and do the work. I have been having a lot more bursts of story ideas, realized I haven’t used the notes function of Ulysses in a long time, worried about that…. But I guess I am in more of a creative mode than when I started that. The process always has to change. But I can’t help but think about what S***** said about her writing… That she can so clearly enter a zone where it just flows out of her. I sort of felt that way when writing my NaNoWriMo project, but I was in a strange sort of daze. Don’t want to get to personal about it here, have to be careful to differentiate between this and my actual journal, but I guess I want someone, anyone, to understand or at least hear my frustrations. I was speaking to Ethan and I told him that lately I have felt an emptiness in my life. I have never craved a relationship before. A person. I’ve wanted to be friends with people, or to be with someone romantically, but those are real people, that I have already met. This, I am not sure what to call it. I yearn for a person I can talk to, a creative soulmate, someone to really comprehend me, or to help guide me through what I need right now. Someone to figure things out with. It started as a “wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to talk to” and now I feel as though if I don’t get that connection somewhere, somehow, I’m going to completely burst at the seams.

Odd timing to have the type of dream I had last night. I have had recurring dreams my whole adult life about high school, and about a few of the homes I have lived in, Most frequently the homes in Michigan. Usually the high school dreams involve needing to go back for a credit I missed, or redoing something I had done wrong. Some are more obvious in their meaning than others. But this… was completely new. I had a dream that I was graduating, not from school, and it wasn’t anything like my actual graduation, but I saw and spoke to a few of the people I had been friends with, and they were all congratulating me and telling me how proud of me they were. It felt symbolic, in a very Lacanian sort of way. But of what? I don’t feel like I have done anything to warrant this type of unconscious pride… But I do feel more at peace today, more secure. I still feel at a loss for how to make my projects come to be what I want them to be. But something inside me has changed, that is for sure.

Maybe I should start writing pulp-style sci-fi shorts and micro fiction and putting them here. That might be good practice… I just want to find the version of creative output that lets me enter a flow state, and for right now, coding and writing are the most difficult things in the world to do.